Respectful disagreement seems like a lost art in our increasingly polarised world.
Social media is full of people shouting at each other, with rage fuelling the algorithms and this hostility is creeping into workplaces too.
But disagreements aren’t inherently bad – they’re crucial for good decision-making and team performance.
We need to learn how to disagree respectfully and how to debate ideas without attacking the other person.
Here are 10 tips to help you navigate this delicate balance:
Before you react, take a moment to breathe. Put a pause between your reaction and response. Take a few deep breaths or stand up and walk away from your desk before firing off an email, commenting on a social media post, or snapping at a colleague - pause gives you a chance to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lash out with statements like “that’s ridiculous!” Instead, try asking questions to understand the other person’s perspective. For example, say: “That’s really different to how I see things. Can you tell me how you came to that position?”
An empathetic approach helps uncover hidden nuances and ensures people feel heard. It also helps to uncover further information to provide a considered response the other person is more likely to listen to.
Pick your battles. Not every disagreement is worth engaging. Sometimes, the best response is no response, especially with manipulative people who bait you. Before you engage, ask yourself if it’s necessary. Sometimes, it’s not about changing the other person’s mind but rather standing up for your values.
Focus on the outcome you want to achieve by engaging in the conversation, not what your initial emotive response tells you to say. Your goal should guide your communication. Are trying to influence, document your concerns, or call our poor behaviour? Yelling, blaming, and shaming won’t help you achieve these goals.
Make it clear why you’re sharing your view. “I’m raising this because I want to offer a different viewpoint based on my experience. My aim is not conflict.” Stating your (positive) intention helps the other person understand your motives and reduces the likelihood of them feeling attacked.
Speak from your perspective with “I” statements to avoid sounding confrontational. Say “I disagree” rather than “You’re wrong”. This small shift in language makes a big difference in how your message is received.
Debate the issue, not the person. Keep your focus on the facts, circumstances, behaviour or actions rather than making it personal. For example “I was disappointed with your behaviour in that meeting. It’s ok to be frustrated but it’s not ok to yell at a colleague” instead of “You’re a horrible person for yelling at them like that.” Remember, you are dealing with a human who has an opinion and probably thinks they’re right, just like you.
Remind each other of shared goals. By focussing on common ground you keep the conversation solution-focussed rather than problem-focussed. This approach minimises the chance of either party getting off track or going into attack mode.
If you can’t reach agreement, it’s okay to say: “Let’s agree to disagree.” This phrase gives both parties an out. You’ve both said your piece and don’t have to change each other’s minds. This respectful acknowledgment of differing views helps maintain a positive relationship despite disagreements.
Even with the best intentions some conversations can turn abusive or unproductive. If your personal safety is threatened, the discussion harms your cause, ground rules are ignored, or behaviour descends into chaos, it’s time to call it quits. On social media, stop replying. In person, make it clear what will happen if the behaviour doesn’t change. For example: “I’m happy to have this discussion but if you keep swearing, I’ll have to end the conversation.” Then follow through.
By following these tips, you can keep disagreements respectful and productive, whether online or in the workplace. In a world that often feels divided, practising respectful disagreement can help bridge gaps and foster better understanding.
Leah Mether is a communication and human skills specialist, obsessed with making the ‘people part’ of leadership and work life easier. She is a trainer, speaker, facilitator and author of two acclaimed books, Steer Through the Storm: How to Communicate and Lead Courageously Through Change and Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure (Ingram Spark, $25). Renowned for her engaging and straight-shooter style, Leah helps leaders and teams shift from knowing to doing, and radically improve their effectiveness. Visit www.leahmether.com.au
